deep breaths

As much as I love you, as much as I care, there are days I wonder if I am settling.   I admit I get insecure, it has nothing to do with distance, it all has to do with you, your ways, women love you, still trying to figure that out, like what the fuck do you do. The first day I realized I loved you I cried. I didn't want to, I refused to put myself in another position where the love would not be returned. There was also another chick in your life, I didn't want you to hurt her, I remember being her age, doing the things she did, hanging on to someone who cared but didn't care, or at least that's what his actions said. At times your actions do that, I hate your drunk texts, they're sweet but I'd rather hear those things while u were sober. Last night I was angry with you, you text me and I knew you were either drunk or high. Eventually things will go back to the way they were, sometimes I want them too, sometimes I don't wanna care.

I wrote that a few weeks ago, my predictions came true, you ever just get that feeling in your bones. That feeling that something is going to happen but you can not put your finger on it.  Women's intuition or maybe I know u well enough. I cried for different reasons other than you, most were of confusion and just being angry at myself.  I can't breathe right and my voice is gone, the cough is leaving.. I hate being sick. I'm also trying to remember what time I have to be at work in the morning...bummer.. right.  If I press publish post I'm being bold, if I don't I'm being a coward.. or sparing your fucking feelings.  The seesaw shit ends here it has too or at least for me, I really do feel like Carrie. Of course I'll distance myself, I'll have too.. I'll learn too and I really do want my camera back. I know you're not suppose to do givebacksy's but I really do miss that camera, and I lied it is a good excuse.. a dslr in a club ain't sexy unless I'm getting paid to be there.

I'll post pictures eventually.. I wanted to wander downtown today and take pictures of pedestrians as they crossed the street and go about their day.. this cold stopped me, I don't want it to get worse. Weather change screws me up, I screw me up.  I like to see ppl doing well, it makes me happy, lets me know that my day will come. It may take a while but I know that it will get here, I'm so ready to move, I keep seeing the cutest furniture that makes me smile. I'm spending the weekend in nashville, taking pictures, getting a room, letting my inhibitions run free.  Its hot in here, I can't wait to get naked, this isn't meant to hurt feelings, writing helps me, and over the phone never works, so here are my feelings, I've stuffed them in a jar and hid them far away on a back shelf that I can't reach. 


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